Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Cellular Evolution.....does it ring a bell ??

My dear fellow pre programmed , logically challenged, bionic bipodic robots.. greetings from The Preaching Monkey..

It has been six months since The Preaching Monkey last addressed his devotees ..six long months of silence..

 He understands the pain and distress the devotees went through..the extreme trauma of the crap addicted primate brain ...who had to resort to desperate measures.. of actually buying a ticket for the Chennai Express..which was a as poor substitute for the mind numbing ..psychedelically hallucinating ..intellectual high provided  by The Preaching Monkey is green tea for cocaine..

The Preaching Monkey , needless to say , doesn't care a damn about the above described agonies caused to the devotees by his cranial constipation. Not only is he not going to provide any explanation..he is also going to add insult to injury by telling you that the better part of the past six months was spent in reaching level 397 of Angry Bird Star achievement he is extremely proud of .

Meanwhile,exciting events have been unfolding on this unfortunate, parasite infected blue sphere called the earth.

Revolutionary leader Kim Jong Un in North Korea, after achieving near perfect stone age conditions in his own domain ,in a supremely beneficent gesture ,made valiant attempts to charm his sissy neighbor and the Global Big Daddy into a match of nuclear ping pong and take a large part of the world back to those carefree days of apish existence. God bless him...or in case this is in contradiction with the Ideology... ....Mao and the Eternal Supreme Leader Kim II Sung bless him..

Though for reasons unexplained, most of the world failed to see the great merits of these supremely selfless efforts of The Great Leader..and refused to play ball...sad. Nevertheless, at least he tried...and such little baby steps towards apehood will make the devolutionary revolution a reality one day.

Now with a happy mindset....let us begin ..

The last those devotees who are not suffering from amnesia causing dementia , may remember , was about the micro economically self destructive ..macro economically extremely constructive transactional behavior of the feminine gender of the homo sapiens species. The Preaching Monkey is confident that the devolutionary devotees of the masculine kind now are much sensitized about the great misery and suffering that the fairer sex goes through on account of the COSTLY syndrome. So be a gentleman, smile and bear happy or at least pretend to be happy. ( the uninitiated may refer to the last post dated 20th March..Retail Therapy )

Delving further into the behavioral aspect of evolution we shall study the adaptation to tools by the both sexes of homo sapiens. ...a very touchy topic ..which has caused innumerable localized but extremely intense battles in the domestic environments.

The male is wired...for practical and objective ..specific goal oriented ..although highly erratic and sometimes destructive behavior.He exhibits uncomplicated response to most external stimuli , but when it comes to tools , he behaves in a totally diametrically opposite manner.He loves his tools with the intensity of a rhino in heat.  He has loved his stone axes...his bronze mace...his iron sword..his six shooter....his toaster..his car...his bike..his 325 piece power tool kit..and his mobile phone with such intense devotion and tenderness that it has often caused heartburn to his woman.He spends hours merely looking at his screw driver collection lovingly and sighing contentedly. His tools are an extension of his personality.

The females , on the other hand are wired for a more emotional and subjective response to stimuli. Their normal behavior pattern is complicated and difficult to codify..but when they deal with tools , they exhibit a rather practical approach.They too value their tools, but it  in a different way. Rather than loving their tools intensely , they concentrate on the products such tools provide.Thus a female cave dweller did love the round stone she kept in a corner..but only as a means towards the end ...of cracking the skulls of the hunted prize and extracting the brains for jellying .

Thus the human adaptation to tools is a story of aberrations and contradictions...and to study this we shall examine the divergent approaches the sexes take when dealing with one of the  most evil product of evolution...the mobile phone.

For the males , the cellular contraption is a lifeline. Scientists studying the human brain have noticed a distinct change in the brain map and nerve clusters of the human males in the past ten years. New lobes have developed in the supramarginal gyrus in the left hemisphere of the brain.This part of the brain handles communication. These new lobes pulsate with the same frequency as the radio waves emitted by their phones. This causes alarms to go off in the cranium of a human male , if he is removed more than three feet from his mobile phone.The same lobes resonate with the mobile ringtones, causing the males to pick up the phone in .00345 auditory nerves are bypassed . It also create an armor around his senses , against external visual and auditory disturbances like howling children and a harassed wife when he is in proximity with his phone. He  also charges the intellectual and analytic centers of his brain by periodically staring at the 5 1/2 inch screen of his mobile phone .

For the females , the mobile phone is an accessory...period..much like owning a treadmill and expensive running shoes is to an average , true to his roots , Indian male. As the readers may recall..much of the free space in the female cranium has already been occupied by an enlarged and overactive Nucleus Accumbens , thanks to the COSTLY Syndrome. This left little scope of new lobes developing in the brains. Thus a symbiotic pulsating relationship with the mobile devices could not be developed. This causes the females to forget their mobiles on the window dash boards..microwaves..and most notoriously in their handbags . The lack of simultaneous parallel resonance also leads to the females being immune to even the loudest and the most nerve wrecking ringtones . A female picks up her phone as a random act ...and not as a response to the audio stimulation. This explains the average 17 attempts it takes for you to talk to your wife on her mobile phone.

Another difference is of the usage pattern . A male treats his mobile phone as a stud farm owner treats his prize stallion . He rides it ..but for short gallops..lest he tires him out..or God forbid..hurt him. Thus a male will use his Galaxy S 8 or I Phone 9 ..but limits his calls to shorts bursts of 30 seconds. After disconnecting he wipes the phone clean and touches the back panel to assess battery heating . This extreme emotional involvement is a direct result of changes in the brain wiring.

Females on the other hand ...when they dial ..especially when communicating among themselves..shall stop only when the phone starts melting in its more tender parts . An average call between two females is about 97.875 minutes . This also discharges the battery ...which brings up the question of finding the charger which has an irritating propensity of disappearing at regular intervals. The females abandon the poor device be picked up by the hapless male..and returned to them duly charged. This use and abuse attitude is the same as exhibited by the female Praying Mantis when she casually bites off her partner's head after copulation. Wiring at work again.

Thus, a comparative analysis of the  behavioral patterns of both males and females of the human species ..vis a vis communication aids reveals different evolutionary paths taken by both of them.

Many a husbands have been accused by their irate wives to have  married their phones...these men who can exactly remember the dimensions of their phones to the last nano meter can only vaguely describe what their children look like. On the other hand ,sparring over 67 missed calls on the wife's phone is a regular feature in many homes. Both parties need to exercise restraint . Its the evolutionary process that is to be blamed . Men need to work on their cellular addictions..they may form support groups and meet regularly to share stories..and while they are at it..discuss external memory and RAM of the upcoming latest models. The fairer sex may relax on the their female friends and have a satisfying bitching session about their males, while they are away for their silly support group meeting.

Thus ends another dose of Karmic Gyaan from the tree swinging Guru...

The Preaching Monkey will try to be regular in future...but remember.."try" the keyword here.

Keep Calling...

1 comment:

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