Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Cellular Evolution.....does it ring a bell ??

My dear fellow pre programmed , logically challenged, bionic bipodic robots.. greetings from The Preaching Monkey..

It has been six months since The Preaching Monkey last addressed his devotees ..six long months of silence..

 He understands the pain and distress the devotees went through..the extreme trauma of the crap addicted primate brain ...who had to resort to desperate measures.. of actually buying a ticket for the Chennai Express..which was a as poor substitute for the mind numbing ..psychedelically hallucinating ..intellectual high provided  by The Preaching Monkey is green tea for cocaine..

The Preaching Monkey , needless to say , doesn't care a damn about the above described agonies caused to the devotees by his cranial constipation. Not only is he not going to provide any explanation..he is also going to add insult to injury by telling you that the better part of the past six months was spent in reaching level 397 of Angry Bird Star achievement he is extremely proud of .

Meanwhile,exciting events have been unfolding on this unfortunate, parasite infected blue sphere called the earth.

Revolutionary leader Kim Jong Un in North Korea, after achieving near perfect stone age conditions in his own domain ,in a supremely beneficent gesture ,made valiant attempts to charm his sissy neighbor and the Global Big Daddy into a match of nuclear ping pong and take a large part of the world back to those carefree days of apish existence. God bless him...or in case this is in contradiction with the Ideology... ....Mao and the Eternal Supreme Leader Kim II Sung bless him..

Though for reasons unexplained, most of the world failed to see the great merits of these supremely selfless efforts of The Great Leader..and refused to play ball...sad. Nevertheless, at least he tried...and such little baby steps towards apehood will make the devolutionary revolution a reality one day.

Now with a happy mindset....let us begin ..

The last those devotees who are not suffering from amnesia causing dementia , may remember , was about the micro economically self destructive ..macro economically extremely constructive transactional behavior of the feminine gender of the homo sapiens species. The Preaching Monkey is confident that the devolutionary devotees of the masculine kind now are much sensitized about the great misery and suffering that the fairer sex goes through on account of the COSTLY syndrome. So be a gentleman, smile and bear happy or at least pretend to be happy. ( the uninitiated may refer to the last post dated 20th March..Retail Therapy )

Delving further into the behavioral aspect of evolution we shall study the adaptation to tools by the both sexes of homo sapiens. ...a very touchy topic ..which has caused innumerable localized but extremely intense battles in the domestic environments.

The male is wired...for practical and objective ..specific goal oriented ..although highly erratic and sometimes destructive behavior.He exhibits uncomplicated response to most external stimuli , but when it comes to tools , he behaves in a totally diametrically opposite manner.He loves his tools with the intensity of a rhino in heat.  He has loved his stone axes...his bronze mace...his iron sword..his six shooter....his toaster..his car...his bike..his 325 piece power tool kit..and his mobile phone with such intense devotion and tenderness that it has often caused heartburn to his woman.He spends hours merely looking at his screw driver collection lovingly and sighing contentedly. His tools are an extension of his personality.

The females , on the other hand are wired for a more emotional and subjective response to stimuli. Their normal behavior pattern is complicated and difficult to codify..but when they deal with tools , they exhibit a rather practical approach.They too value their tools, but it  in a different way. Rather than loving their tools intensely , they concentrate on the products such tools provide.Thus a female cave dweller did love the round stone she kept in a corner..but only as a means towards the end ...of cracking the skulls of the hunted prize and extracting the brains for jellying .

Thus the human adaptation to tools is a story of aberrations and contradictions...and to study this we shall examine the divergent approaches the sexes take when dealing with one of the  most evil product of evolution...the mobile phone.

For the males , the cellular contraption is a lifeline. Scientists studying the human brain have noticed a distinct change in the brain map and nerve clusters of the human males in the past ten years. New lobes have developed in the supramarginal gyrus in the left hemisphere of the brain.This part of the brain handles communication. These new lobes pulsate with the same frequency as the radio waves emitted by their phones. This causes alarms to go off in the cranium of a human male , if he is removed more than three feet from his mobile phone.The same lobes resonate with the mobile ringtones, causing the males to pick up the phone in .00345 auditory nerves are bypassed . It also create an armor around his senses , against external visual and auditory disturbances like howling children and a harassed wife when he is in proximity with his phone. He  also charges the intellectual and analytic centers of his brain by periodically staring at the 5 1/2 inch screen of his mobile phone .

For the females , the mobile phone is an accessory...period..much like owning a treadmill and expensive running shoes is to an average , true to his roots , Indian male. As the readers may recall..much of the free space in the female cranium has already been occupied by an enlarged and overactive Nucleus Accumbens , thanks to the COSTLY Syndrome. This left little scope of new lobes developing in the brains. Thus a symbiotic pulsating relationship with the mobile devices could not be developed. This causes the females to forget their mobiles on the window dash boards..microwaves..and most notoriously in their handbags . The lack of simultaneous parallel resonance also leads to the females being immune to even the loudest and the most nerve wrecking ringtones . A female picks up her phone as a random act ...and not as a response to the audio stimulation. This explains the average 17 attempts it takes for you to talk to your wife on her mobile phone.

Another difference is of the usage pattern . A male treats his mobile phone as a stud farm owner treats his prize stallion . He rides it ..but for short gallops..lest he tires him out..or God forbid..hurt him. Thus a male will use his Galaxy S 8 or I Phone 9 ..but limits his calls to shorts bursts of 30 seconds. After disconnecting he wipes the phone clean and touches the back panel to assess battery heating . This extreme emotional involvement is a direct result of changes in the brain wiring.

Females on the other hand ...when they dial ..especially when communicating among themselves..shall stop only when the phone starts melting in its more tender parts . An average call between two females is about 97.875 minutes . This also discharges the battery ...which brings up the question of finding the charger which has an irritating propensity of disappearing at regular intervals. The females abandon the poor device be picked up by the hapless male..and returned to them duly charged. This use and abuse attitude is the same as exhibited by the female Praying Mantis when she casually bites off her partner's head after copulation. Wiring at work again.

Thus, a comparative analysis of the  behavioral patterns of both males and females of the human species ..vis a vis communication aids reveals different evolutionary paths taken by both of them.

Many a husbands have been accused by their irate wives to have  married their phones...these men who can exactly remember the dimensions of their phones to the last nano meter can only vaguely describe what their children look like. On the other hand ,sparring over 67 missed calls on the wife's phone is a regular feature in many homes. Both parties need to exercise restraint . Its the evolutionary process that is to be blamed . Men need to work on their cellular addictions..they may form support groups and meet regularly to share stories..and while they are at it..discuss external memory and RAM of the upcoming latest models. The fairer sex may relax on the their female friends and have a satisfying bitching session about their males, while they are away for their silly support group meeting.

Thus ends another dose of Karmic Gyaan from the tree swinging Guru...

The Preaching Monkey will try to be regular in future...but remember.."try" the keyword here.

Keep Calling...

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Retail therapy .....A bio-psycho-historical perspective

My dear fiscally tortured, commercially squashed ,fellow impulsive shoppers.

The last post educated you apes about the chain of unfortunate events set in motion by the evolution. These events gave birth to almost all the evils that plague the earth today. 

The ascent of Money ....the most potent intoxicant known to our unfortunate species.

Apart from greed, inequalities, colonialism, militarism, war, exploitation, slavery and chewing gum , Money..and hence commerce... gave rise to another monster......A monster which surpasses all others as the source of human suffering.  All of the above mentioned maladies that have afflicted the human race , may or may not have tormented you directly. But this affliction affects you squarely..directly... mercilessly and takes no  prisoners.

Yes gentlemen, I am talking about those brain wrecking trips to the Malls/Markets/Stores/Hawkers ...endless deliberations on what to buy ..the colors ..shades.. the mindbogglingly enormous problem of choice . I am referring to those pitiable cries that your mind utters as it is being drowned in the deep waters of financial ruin , weighed down by the sink stones of credit card bills .I , my fellow Apes of masculine gender, present to you, our common enemy....Shopping 

 The male species have been crying foul for centuries and on the other hand the female species have shown no sign of acknowledging that something is wrong with the whole business. This paradox has intrigued the thinkers and scientists since time immemorial. Is it the old fashioned propensity of humans to gather more and more that is at work, or is it something else.(in fact, Aristotle was driven to philosophy by his wife's passion for buying  camel skin sandals from Egypt and indigo robes from Asia Minor, sold by the Persian merchants ). The answer was found after a couple of millennia , by sheer accident.

Cross comparative analysis has been done on the craniums of the fossilized skeletons found in paleolithic sites and the skulls of humans in the ruins of bronze age cities.Studies have been conducted on the pickled grey matter of the Egyptian mummies.Early medieval scientists have raided graveyards and studied the skulls and the brains of departed fellow humanoids. Pioneering Victorian surgeons have peeped into the cranial cavities while attempting to cure common cold. This quest has continued to the age of Brain Mapping and MRI and has generated truckloads of data.

All through the several centuries of research into the mysteries of the walnut shaped organ occupying our heads, there has been one common finding.It has been found that the Nucleus Accumbens, or the reward center of the brain has,through the ages, shown an increase in size and prominence in the females of the species. This puzzled the scientists to no end but they couldn't explain this. The data was filed and the scholars moved on to work on other more important scientific pursuits like developing better smelling anti lice shampoo.

Then one fine day....some nerdy researcher...wanted to have fun..and his idea of orgasmic fun was playing with statistical data . He superimposed this cranial data on the economic data of the various civilizations of the world. He was amazed by the pattern that emerged.  

The increase pattern in the size of the Nucleus Accumbens matched exactly with the increase in trade and commerce through the ages.

 This finding caused a renewed interest in this fascinating subject of the interrelation between the development of the brain and the emergence of retail markets and vica verca. Universities were flooded with funding offers . Whole new Departments of Economic Psychology and Departments of  Transactional Neurotics were set up to delve into this field. MIT even created a Samuel Moore Walton Chair of Comparative Neuronomics ...of course funded by Wal-Mart.

Concerted multidisciplinary effort resulted in the identification of the true nature of the problem.Test conducted on female mice helped crack the puzzle. The Female mice were exposed to shelves full of cheese of different colors and textures , gleaming feeding bowls ..and other stuff that the mice find to be interesting. This resulted in abnormal secretion of Estrogen and increase in the size of reward lobes. More tests were conducted..this time on human subjects..cheese being replaced by designer clothes..cosmetics..and of course The results were incredibly similar . A historical discovery had been made.The increased secretions and the resultant increase in the size of Nucleus Accumbens propels the females of the species into a frenzy of uncontrolled purchases and it is followed by an depressive episode of self doubts over the nature of purchases ,as the estrogen levels decline.

The scientists named this phenomena as The Compulsive Serendipitous Transactional Yearning Syndrome...or the COSTLY Syndrome. The syndrome's origin was explained as thus...during the good old day of apehood , the females were responsible for gathering and the males for hunting. Hunting provided a solid nutrition base but gathering provided finer things in life,like bones to be made into neck pieces..skins to be fashioned into latest high fashion loincloths. The Nucleus Accumbens worked normally , the choices being limited. Bones were all white...skins all smelt as bad. But as the civilization and trade brought about an unprecedented explosion of choice...this over burdened the circuits and the lobe started acting funny. Things have been going downhill ever since.

This discovery has exposed a great historical injustice. Generations of males have blamed , abused and embarrassed the females over their seemingly irrational and self destructive purchase habits. They have sulked for days after their wives have gone out and bought themselves their 269th pair of fancy footwear. They have had to be pushed and shoved from one store to another , after their wives have spent only a few hours evaluating a few hundred different shades of maraschino red chiffon fabric...and dismissed the store to be low on choice. 

The truth is that the females are as much a victim of this anomaly embedded in their genetic blueprint as are the men. They cant help it . Shopping is an instinctive, involuntary reflex reaction to the external stimuli of the sight  of goodies filled endless shelves in malls and stores.  Its a chemically triggered brain impulse, same as the sight of a chilled bottle of beer induces instant throat choking thirst in the male apes. The male species needs to sensitize itself . The need is to deal with the situation with a great amount of care and thoughtfulness. She needs your support. A few tips are given below.

Firstly,the male species should strive to be physically fit. Apart from being a cerebral exercise of the extreme variety, shopping also entails great physical effort. ( A comparable situation would be playing chess with a gorilla who has the IQ of an Einstein ). A fighting fit husband shall endure miles of walking in the malls/markets/store aisles with a smile , all the time carrying half a tonne of shopping bags.It will also safeguard your heart when you sign the bills. This will keep her happy. So bye bye pizza and beer.....hello treadmill.

During the course of  expedition into the retail kingdom, you may be asked for your opinion on stuff that is in consideration. Be very very careful here. An immediate response is a recipe for serious trouble...she will take it as a sign of non seriousness and your not paying attention...and just wanting to end the ordeal soon....and she is probably correct. Take your time..put in a lot of ummmmmms and well lemme sees in your answer. DO NOT...i repeat, do not appear to be certain of your opinion in the first instance. Appear to be evaluating the choices with the seriousness you will reserve for calculating the amount of beer needed and the choice of snacks to be ordered before you sit down to watch the World Cup match with your beer buddies. If you can do this you have ensured another peaceful evening .

Develop a good memory. She may , after a couple of days of the retail expedition , have that episode of self doubt over the stuff bought. You are now in a minefield. Under no circumstances fuel her doubts .....stand by the opinion you gave. Any deviation will be caught, noted, tucked away in memory and will be used to give you hell later. To avoid this you need to remember what opinion you gave in the first place.

Then there is the question of Guilt Purchases. She may, after spending the equivalent of the GDP of a small African nation on girly stuff , suddenly feel guilty about not buying you anything.To offset this guilt you may be imposed upon with something you do not want. Under no circumstances refuse that red polka dotted shirt with yellow sleeves. Accept it as you would accept an oxygen cylinder while stranded  in outer space.... with gratitude in your teary eyes.

The above mentioned simple measures will go a long way in dealing with the symptoms of the COSTLY Syndrome. Please remember , a cure is not possible, only palliative care can be given. Compassion and empathy are the terms to remember. Both genders need to stick together and brave this out till the devolutionaries bring about the devolution and we go back to our old tree swinging ways.

So, The Preaching Monkey ends another sermon about the evils of evolution.

Keep the faith....and keep shopping.

Long live the Devolution.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

The Great Game....and no it ain't cricket.

Greetings my fellow cynical , semi evolved byproducts of the Big Bang...

The Preaching Monkey is confident that The Carpet Bomb method will go a long way in solving the problems of your sorry, uninteresting,hopeless and pointless existence. Those unfortunate souls, who have no idea what is being talked about here, can refer to the last post on this blog.."A case for a bombed out logic...".

The Preaching Monkey feels that it is his revolutionary or, in fact ,devolutionary duty to educate, from time time, the delusion afflicted and Darwin loving masses about the evils of evolution. The evolution, a conspiracy   of celestial proportions , designed to keep us apes occupied in the constant struggle to be the fittest species and in a constant race to be the first one to tweet about what you ate for your breakfast.

In the days, alas, long gone by...needs were few. Hunger pangs ??...well.. give your long arm some exercise.and pluck the nearest juicy fruit...or if you are up to it..stand up..holler..hammer your chest with your fists ..and snatch that ripe banana right off that nerdy looking ape cowering on the adjacent branch...simple.

Transportation polluting ,expensive gas guzzling...mine is more shiny and bigger than Everyone had high environmental EQ and traveled by public transport...i mean all those branches and vines so kindly and thoughtfully provided by Mother Nature, swinging from tree to tree That beats getting stuck in traffic jams and inhaling lung perforating fumes any day..hands down.

There was no courts..and the best of lawyers. Disputes were settled quickly , economically and the winner got to wear jewelry fashioned from the loser's bones.

It was a perfect society...the kind which would give Marx an instant intellectual orgasm.Nobody owned anything.. everyone had accommodation .caves in winters..and good ol' trees in summer. Everybody wore the same..IF they wore anything...(cave paintings indicate the fashion remaining constant for around half a million years..animal fact Nike tagline then was.."kill it..wear it". ).

Simple days...simple pleasures...

All good things must come to end...and they did. As The Preaching Monkey lamented earlier, evolution brought with it  another spoiler....civilization. Among other evils...civilization brought commerce. It started with simple barter...hey dude i like your state of the art , designer..monogrammed stone ax why don't you exchange it for this mammoth bone i have been munching on for a few weeks.

Trade led to a bigger evil......Money.

Money eliminated the need of the participants in the trading game to have simultaneous and matching wants.You have a good ,nice, juicy shoulder cut of a water buffalo,which i want..but you don't want the bear skins that i problems..with the advent of money,we can still do business.This value storing function of money made large scale commerce possible.

Trade and commerce...started to dispose off the surplus and make good the shortage...moved from being a tool for obtaining necessities to being, at first , an occupation...then a mutually beneficial arrangement with the other big evil..The State....both feeding and nurturing each other. Then the trade became a cardinal objective of the State.The primary function of the State became promotion and safeguarding of trade and commerce.( East India Company...rings a bell...does it ?).

Suddenly the State existed for trade...and its horizons expanded beyond the search of El Dorado. The quest for Gold..Glory..and that order. Poor God was involved because the Church was itself a super State.It held enormous resources and also provided a spiritual fig leaf to the otherwise conscienceless gold diggers.The Trade in turn found new heathen filled fields for the church to cultivate...and the church was not allergic to Gold either. So third primal evil got involved  ...  Religion.

As the mercantile period progressed, the state got a little insecure about the long distance relationship with Trade ( unfortunately Facebook..Whatsapp..or even something as primitive and ancient as Orkut didn't exist then ). The State,like many a abandoned leading ladies in Bollywood NRI dramas, decided to follow its soul-mate , the distant lands of plenty...and soon their illegitimate offspring..The Colonialism was born.

The many children of unacknowledged fatherhood, was a troublesome child. He wanted more and more. He wanted, above all, parental acceptance.To this end, he set about his task with a maniacal dedication. His parents wanted gold and land...and he would con,dupe, snatch,scratch , fight and kill for feeding their hunger. He was successful, but this zeal of his brought him into conflict with those wretched souls who were at the receiving end. They reacted violently. Colonialism was on the back foot .worried..having a sleepless night. Suddenly he felt warm but strong hands on his shoulders. He turned around to see the smiling faces of his parents....smiling indulgent parents.

They both spoke together, in one voice, " son, we have been watching you..our hearts swelling with pride. We know about your problems with the natives. Don't worry, we have been preparing for this day. The gold you sent home brought about the Industrial Revolution...keeps the hungry peasants back home busy, and it has allowed us to feed and strengthen your younger brother..The Militarism. He now has new toys..gun powder and canons and breach loading rifles. Time has come for us all to get together , formally , and be a happy little family". Colonialism saw Religion standing in a corner ,with his golden monk's robes on and silently blessing the happy family. Colonialism cried tears of joy.

So the newly united happy family , went about its business of extracting wealth from the once free and prosperous lands. The Militarism grew up to be a fine,though a slightly hot headed ,young man. Industrial revolution too progressed and brought about new toys for which could kill on an industrial scale.The clan grew and soon they were everywhere..Asia,Africa..Caribbean ,the Artics...and a new branch of the family the New World.

Soon ,the happy times were again threatened, this time by  their jealous neighbors . The Mercantile family was again under siege,by the twins..Fascism and Communism. Both Identical in looks ,speech and behavior. They both wanted all that was to be had..and while Fascism was unapologetic about it, Communism felt the need to disguise his raw hunger in the garb of some fancy social theories.

Fascism made the first move. He started threatening the interests of the old established Mercantile clan. Such behavior from an upstart was not appreciated and the war to end all wars started. Communism was a fence sitter..enjoying the fight from the stands. He was happy to see his potential rivals sparring and getting bloody.
Fascism was a good fighter..who got many punches across as the bout started..but the bout was not turning into a quick knock out as he had been expecting.He too got a bloody nose. Then he saw his brother Communism giggling in the stands.

Fascism ,already frustrated by the tough fight...lost his cool..and his judgement..and attacked Communism viciously. Communism, initially shocked, joined the fight .

Fascism was badly beaten...never to stand up again. Mercantiles too lost a lot of blood , never to regain their former glory and strength.

The new kid on the block was a Texan boot wearing, Bourbon sipping guy who spoke with a drawl. America , a distant cousin of the Mercantiles ,popularly know as Uncle Sam. Now he was a smart guy. Came with a different business model. Colonialism was dead..but Militarism  was not. So America adopted this poor  orphaned boy and loved him like no one had loved him before

. Uncle Sam took over the family business.He had a slightly different business model from that of the Old Family. The" occupy your clients country and make it a colony " model was passe'. The overheads were too high. The new model was" sell weapons to your clients and use that money to buy cheap oil" model.The new model was self sustaining. The clients produced oil and other resources..which were bought by Uncle Sam. Then the shrewd uncle sold them arms and fighters and Stinger missiles.this brought back the money..with profits..kept the clients involved in their little wars..and under the delusion that they are indulging in trade on an equal footing.

Communism,who survived more or less intact , was feeling left out . Though he was competing well in the race to destroy the planet,many times over, he was behind in the contest of global influence and domination.
Not learning from history, he chose to follow the old business model of the mercantile family..and chose to occupy the lands of a particularly hot headed customer.

Uncle Sam, saw the writing on the wall...(it was in Arabic , but Sam being Sam , drew his own interpretations ) . He felt threatened by the growing influence of his rival. so, he did what was to be done, and brought that old wily rascal out of retirement...Religion. Along with this trump card, Sam made sure that Communism bled ...and bled from a thousand cuts. Communism went back on his knees.and rolled over and died soon...

Mission Accomplished..

Well, not exactly . Religion had proved to be a very able and a successful motivator and leader in this conflict. He had created around him ,an army of cranks and lunatics...of delusional soldiers of fortune high on the supposedly spiritual opium..and looking forward to have a rather nice time with 72 virgins. When Uncle Sam ordered Religion to go back to his Old Age Home...he laughed maniacally ...and asked Sam to take a hike. He had his own little plans. Old fashioned ,as he was, he again chose the occupation model , but with a twist..instead of choosing the heavy , slow moving Militarism..he chose the mean ,lean and fanatical...Terrorism.

Uncle Sam was furious.He started to plan a strategy to oust his old ally..but before he could do anything..Terrorism struck and gave him a deep wound..and vanished back  into his cave.

Sam gave hot pursuit...and soon found himself entangled in the old mercantile business model of occupation  and its consequences. Now it was his turn to be bled. He found it difficult to hold on and even more difficult to let go.

And thus the cycle was completed...

Then , there arose another player in the Great Game...a former client nation from the east. Their business model was "buy nothing..but flood others with cheap stuff". Along with this they also  followed the American model of selling arms....They had also assumed the Communist brand...(intellectual property rights in China leave a lot to be desired ) ..only the brand...much like Apple Inc which. has nothing to do with fruits.

The Oriental player started its innings...

The Great Game and the Great Commercial Pursuit continued...

See what evolution got us into.......

The Preaching Monkey strongly suggests two 500 mg tablets of Crocin ...that if you are not planning to lubricate the dehydrated circuits of your brain with alcohol .

...and as The Terminator famously said..I will be back...

Monday, March 4, 2013

A case for a bombed out logic....

My fellow ,daily soap harassed , caffeine dependent primate brethren ...Greetings

The alien question is more or less settled. The Great Indian Soap opera assembly line has been active since the start of the millennium . Television transmissions , in form of radio waves travel at the speed of light. This means an area of  a radius of about 14 light years around the earth is sanitized and free from any kind of  intelligent life. We have created a very effective energy shield ....there will never be a Contact. For all practical purposes ..They are now not out there. Too bad

But there is a silver lining too. The human species has rediscovered a way to end all debates and mysteries.In fact it is a all new school of thought....a completely out of the box methodology of scientific enquiry ...
The Carpet Bomb method.

In the year 1969, the Vietnam war was at its best.Fighting on the ground actually looked like a scene straight out of Platoon or Apocalypse Now. Bang in the middle of all this excitement was Marine Gen. Jim "Bubba" McDollen.  a.k.a. "Kongbuster". Now the General's outfit was tasked with destroying a Vietcong base which also doubled as an ammo dump. The Vietcong, being Vietcong, had built this base on a hill, surrounded by half a dozen or so villages.The American High Command , considering the rabid anti war protests at home,issued a strict directive to the General ,to ensure that civilians around the base are not caught in the cross fire.In case that was not possible,the attack plans were to be dropped. Damn !!

The sissies at the Pentagon had under estimated the General.Our good ol' Bubba was a true blue Southerner from red necked as they can get. He solved the problem the true redneck fashion. Next day he arm twisted the USAF to send half a dozen B 52s , full of fuel-air Napalm bombs..and got the area around the base carpet bombed for two full days.He then sought permission to go ahead with the attack on the base. When asked about the civilians..Bubba replied ,with all the honesty and truthfulness at his command.., "there ai'nt no bloody civilians in the area." ... Period.... Problem solved.

Gen. McDonell  was rewarded by the USof A by giving him a ticket home,with two hefty marines as an escort. He spent many happy years in a wonderful Veterans psychiatric facility deep inside Fort Knoxx. He has since left to torment Jesus and his poor Father.

The Carpet Bomb Method is named so as a tearful tribute to this early pioneer.

What is fascinating about this is that almost all of the earth's mysteries , especially the ones which fall in the category of "does X exist or does X not exist ??" ,can be very easily solved using this method. Instead of delving into a complex über scientific definition of this method, we shall understand it with the aid of some more examples.

An apt example can be the famous case of the Loch Ness monster. For many centuries , the existence of this monster , supposed to be inhabiting the deep waters of the Loch Ness lake in the Scottish highlands , has been a matter of intense debate. The locals swear that the monster exists. The rest of the world doesn't really share their belief.( can't blame the world though, I mean , if your national pastime is whiskey guzzling and your men wear skirts...taking you seriously is a tough proposition .)

Despite many centuries of research ...using sonar...and satellite imaging..thermal photography..even sending court summons to the monster ..the question is still irritating us. So how to tell , conclusively whether it does..or doesn't exist ?

The answer is simple.

The Her Majesty's Armed Forces have to simply explode a small tactical nuclear device inside the lake....and then...voila' time someone asks if the monster exists..the world can answer with an emphatic resounding NO !!!

The Chinese government can do the world a favour by exploding a slightly bigger thermonuclear device in Tibet and settle the Yeti debate.

In fact many benevolent governments in South America ,fearing fresh and irritating questions like..whether purple coloured blue eyed puma exists in the vast Amazonian forests..or not.., have taken  preemptive initiative of destroying a few million hectares of jungles. God bless them . The world already has too much on its collective mind .

Lets move from macro to micro..and from scientific pursuits to our trivial daily lives. The Carpet Bomb Method has far reaching implications .

Does she or doesn't she ...can't say...this amorous dilemma has driven many a suitors into the comforting arms of insanity. Some methods based on speculative reasoning or law of averages are sequential plucking of rosé petals..or toss of a coin. But these methods, though of very ancient antiquity, are of  dubious reliability . A unequivocal and firm answer is never provided.

What a man , a citizen of a fast moving ...chronologically enslaved..stress plagued village called the World  needs, is a quick answer which smacks of finality..and not gibberish ..may be..lets see..ummm kinda response. If that final answer is a long as it was fast coming. Here is where The Carpet Bomb Method comes handy. Lets see how..

Walk up to the object of your desires..or if you like it that way..the source of your migraine. Insist on talking only in Swahili..a language none of you knows. Take her out for a roadside hawker selling triple fried stale fish tails. Spend the next one hour negotiating the rate per piece with the hawker, finally cutting a deal of getting exclusive rights to all leftovers . Proudly announce this historic accord to your lady ..and offer to pay 49% of the bill..leaving the major share for her in true deference to women's lib. Somewhere around this moment..your lady will deliver a palm impression on your face ..followed by a World Cup winning kick on a tender and a rather crucial part of your anatomy. This can safely be taken as a firm No.

 Problem solved. No more swinging between the horns of dilemma .

Thus ,The Carpet Bomb method has all the trappings of a great scientific applied theory. It can be explained easily by using real world examples and can be applied to everyday problems of existence.

It will find its place in the Hall of Fame right besides the Multiple world theory and the String Theory.

The Preaching Monkey implores you to apply this wonderful by product of the alien debate to ease your lives and to free yourself from the stress of suspense ....

The Preaching Monkey is signing off for think of something more unhinged and annoying...

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Divine Abandonment...the true sad story.

Greetings my dear fellow apes,

The last post know..the one about the elusive intergalactic travelers,  has generated a lot of responses from fellow earthlings and  also from the Great Beyond....a lot of these responses have been fact some people have refrained from using more than five swear words per sentence...others put it mildly..have had a slightly agitated tone.

 Mr Bappi Lahiri has threatened to sue me for spreading malicious falsehoods about him. He says his ego has been mortally hurt by him being called a native of the Andromeda Galaxy.I humbly apologize to him for my folly . Per Capita gold holding on the inhabited planet systems of Andromeda is only 17.56 tonnes, and Mr Lahiri would rather not be associated with such a pauperish place. New rumors that are floating now suggest that he is actually not from any planet system  but from the asteroid Eros, which,you guessed  it, is made of nothing but solid ,pure, sparkling, gold.

Another angry response has been received from the Galactic Overhaulers and Developers Inc., a company engaged in buying out black holes for peanuts and overhauling them , and developing new private resort planets ..complete with designer mountains...flora and fauna as per demand..and flush toilets,and golf courses that tilt automatically according to the owner's handicap , for the galactic super rich. The promoters are the same ,once idealistic,nerdy former research scholars who failed to earn their doctorates when their project grant was withdrawn..with regret.

They say that ,after they had earned their trillions in real estate evening ,after a couple of rounds of Vulcan good stuff , they all got all teary eyed about their good ol' days..and they did try to come back and see what they can do about their former test subjects. They hopped into their new sports ,quantum jumping ,space ship and set course to earth.The mood was good...the bottle was still being passed around..singing becoming louder.

They traveled a few hundred light years ...entered the Milky Way..took a left turn from the Great Bear constellation. The blue green abandoned former laboratory was now only 10 light years away.

Suddenly ,without warning ,the ship shuddered,flipped from side to side and did a cart wheel..or two.. The ship’s on board computer fired its logic engines on the turbo mode and made multiple quantum jumps through multiple dimensions. The travelers saw kaleidoscopic, psychedelic lights zap by...and then complete .., black as a politician’s heart, darkness.

It took a fleet of dimension jumping rescue ships to finally extract them from the parallel universe ,(where they picked up a fight with themselves and got beaten up by themselves...but that's another story )

The ship's organic, pulsating, high EQ, on board computer was taken to an R & D planet , and examined. The computer was, to put in plain words, inconsolable. It was a morbidly historic moment.  For the first time in the history of the universe..a computer was displaying signs of clinical manic depression and was suicidal. It had overloaded its own neuron circuits and was slowly melting itself to death.It was too late to do anything for it.One of the younger technicians had the presence of mind to quickly back up the remaining data . Then, the team decided to examine the data for the last intergalactic voyage.

We will never know ,in totality , what actually happened, except that the ship's computer had accidently picked up some highly infected data from the zillions of mega Hertz s of radio waves in the space.Once the team replayed the data , a chain reaction set in.The R & D planet's core melted and it imploded.

 In the radius of 9 light years, all organic neuron computers had a meltdown.All the ships in this kill zone ,either atomized completely or made quantum leaps into unknown dimensions, never to be found again.An area of 12 light years was quarantined for ever.

  The young technician was the only one who could get out..barely alive, in an escape capsule, which with a totally outdated on- board computer (without high EQ),escaped the carnage. Before he turned into a complete vegetable, he would sometime open all his six eyes wide and scratch a strange symbol on any surface within reach......and the symbol was... "K" .

All voyages towards the Milky Way were banned for ever. The area was blacked out in all galactic maps.

The Galactic Overhaulers and Developers inc. survived the crisis ...but the promoters vowed never to even think of their former test subjects. Earthlings were abandoned again..this time for ever.

Meanwhile on Earth, Ms Ekta Kkapoor launched her new daily soap .." Kkaise Kkaroon Main Aur Kkamai ".

The transmissions, in the form of high energy radio waves , reached the sun in eight minutes and then started their journey into the  intergalactic space, at the speed of light, towards another unsuspecting alien civilization.

So the Preaching Monkey says , that the question raised in the post "Big Alien Question " will soon be irrelevant. We will soon be alone......

The Preaching Monkey is signing out .....and will try to be regular in posting...


Greetings revolutionaries...

The Preaching Monkey is back in his jungle...after spending three days in the bigger..badder jungle called Delhi..and there he saw something that restored his faith in honesty...that honest men still exist...He saw...a signboard.............

"Touch and Feel Spa and Parlor"

......................21 gun salute for the owner/nomenclature artist...

(..and NO..The Preaching Monkey did NOT stop to sample the wonders the establishment had to offe
r )

..and thus humbled and inspired The Preaching Monkey is back on the job...

Keep watching this space....

Monday, February 25, 2013

Greetings my fellow ex tree swingers,

The Preaching Monkey has left his jungle for the City ,for a short while. He will soon be back , and he will annoy you some more...

The Preaching Monkey , as a rare gesture, apologizes for his absence...

Till then , keep slow but steady progress on the road back to full monkeyhood.... 

............Long Live The Revolution........

Thursday, February 21, 2013

The big Alien question...a serious debate

Greetings my dear fellow bipods,

I hope my last post, instilled the spirit of revolution in you, the chrono deficient, fur less,fun less,instant noodle consuming masses.Those still in doubt can go out and swing from the nearest tree to get a feel of the things to come.

And now get ready for today's dose of annoyance...

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
Bill Watterson

Is there anybody out there...Are we alone in this universe ???

 We have all asked these questions to ourselves...and we have asked these questions to ourselves in Morgan Freeman's voice. (In fact, Noah took the.." whole earth's gonna flood" thing with a pinch of salt till God did his best Morgan Freeman impersonation. And then he took it very seriously and took all known animals on one hell of a cruise.). But did we ever get a conclusive answer ??? I don't think so.

The problem is that, most of us either do not possess the advanced circuitry needed to ponder on such questions (Honey, is Magenta better or peach ??? situation ) or we are afraid to answer (honey , do i look fat in this ??? situation.). I really cant find a fault with both sets of losers though..trying to answer in the first scenario will give you at best ,an headache and at worst, a stroke..and in the second..what if you answered with a NO and the aliens go out of their way to prove their existence by abducting you.

But still, the question needs to be pondered upon. To just sit back and decide , without any deliberation , that we are alone in this universe...and that the God created the universe only to be an exclusive playground for earthlings would be the ultimate act of arrogance. It would be something like all those germs thinking that they own your loo.Well, they don't ...or at least i hope so.

So lets talk about aliens...

Conditioned ,mentally,as we are by watching endless Hollywood alien flicks ,we envisage our encounter  with extra terrestrial life,if it ever happens, to be either in the form of a cute , green, stranded ,in distress, very friendly, refrigerator raiding, ET sort of a being...or totally ruthless, blood drinking, flesh eating, resource hungry, Death Ray firing (with a fetish for destroying landmarks all over the world, especially those in Washington,DC ), colonizing, egg laying,totally badass monsters like the ones in Independence Day.
I think Hollywood is wrong on both counts.

I mean, a life form which has the ability to overcome the problem of transporting itself over a couple of dozen light years ( those of us who have tried to overcome the problem of transporting ourselves over a couple of hundred miles by trying to book a tatkaal ticket on IRCTC,will certainly appreciate the enormity of the problem ) , will not be a helpless ,slow creature who will waste time playing ball with kids,,,or making their bicycles fly. Even if stranded, he will go to Nokia and sell them some alien tech , buy a villa in Hawaii and wait for extraction ,in style,sipping pina colada. And Nokia may start selling some phones again.

Same applies to the supposed and imaginary.. " we want to colonize this planet for its resources , and bar-be-cue humans as a bonus" school of alien thought.Any advanced and intelligent extraterrestrial civilization will not traverse light years to come and colonize a planet which is scarce in everything ,which has already been screwed by pollution and overpopulation ,and which has a highly belligerent ape as the dominant species ,which loves war and killing, and would not mind a bout or two with them, Death ray be damned. No sir, i don't think so.I think they will use their awesome technology to solve their resource problems , without risking a fight with us apes or look somewhere closer home and friendlier.(would you rather buy a banana off the shelf in the neighborhood supermarket, or would you go into the gorilla territory to snatch one off a wannabe King Kong ??  ).

There is another school of thought.. popularized by the MIB franchise ...that the aliens are already here.. hidden among us. Certain awesome and extremely talented people like Bappi Lahiri , George Bush and yours truly have always been suspected of being from the Andromeda galaxy.But this idea has been milked dry and done to death by the same MIB franchise, so i will rather not delve into this.

So , even after tapping, undeniably and unquestionably  the best single source of all modern human knowledge, Hollywood, the question remains unanswered.

Are they out there ??

Personally i think they are, but i don't think they will ever oblige us by flying by in big  saucers with multicolored blinking lights.( No, the Chinese are NOT selling them stuff.). I think they have been here already. Long ago.

As one of the few surviving fans of Erich Von Daniken and his cult book Chariots of Gods, i fully and firmly subscribe to the view that , we, the earthlings, are an experiment started by alien visitors in pre historical times. These alien visitors have stayed on in our collective memory and we call them ...well.. you guessed it...God.

They introduced random lifeforms ...embedded them with evolutionary blueprint, called DNA ..microwaved some popcorn ..and started observing us.They published papers on the developments. Made some adjustments , here and know..making a couple of non promising subjects extinct ( hey guys, these dino things have been there for too long..lets bump them off and throw in that two legged thingy , the one with opposable thumbs, as the dominant species..yeah .that would be fun. ). So the experiment continued.

Then something bad happened.

Those unfortunate friends who are in the field of any scientific research will vouch for the fact that the logical conclusion of any long term scientific pursuit , depends on a single overwhelmingly important factor.This factor is not the talent of those involved ...nor is it the equipment ..its not even the subject of the experiment. It is the mood and the whim of the bureaucrat who controls the funds.

So ,one fine day...or whatever they call the period of one rotation of the planet that the Gods live on, some senior  babu wanted to visit the neighboring galaxy to study the management of black holes. problem...and soon the Gods were informed..with regret ..that due severe budget constraints their project grant is being withdrawn. And the rest, as they famously say, is history.

So poor semi evolved homo sapiens.. were left to their own devices..and they have conducted themselves, as a cage full of unsupervised monkeys, naturally would. And the Gods are nowhere to be seen.( they probably chucked the research field and went into real estate, i mean some of their agents are still busy selling us slots in heaven  ).

too bad for us......

So my fellow banana munching primates...see you again..hopefully soon.

Preaching Monkey.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

A very serious debate on evolution...

My fellow travelers on this celestial Mary Go Round, greetings from the Preaching Monkey,

The big question which is annoying me today...and will annoy you too, if you don't stop reading this blog right now and do something productive, is ...why did we even bother about this whole "lets evolve" business ? was it worth it ? and if not, what can we do about it ???

Evolution is funny business. We were a bunch of happy, self sufficient ,tree dwelling, free loving, hairy apes peacefully minding our own business.Then one day the Big Guy in the sky, after a million or so years of watching us being self sufficient..and swinging from trees..and being hairy..and being free loving ,got bored. I would not fault him though, because how many of us can go on watching National Geographic for a couple of million years without getting sick of it and wanting to switch channels to HBO ? So The Big Guy clicked on the update icon on his screen and evolution (version. 1.1) started. ( BTW.. i have a strong suspicion that he was using an Apple platform as it has been a couple of million years and we are still evolving,no other software takes as long to update)

So, the question of why did we get involved with this evolution business is answered. We didn't have a choice.It was a " take it or leave it " sort of a deal. Our primal cousins, the Neanderthals ,chose the "leave it " part and then realized , too late, that God was a serious Godfather fan and he was making them "an offer they couldn't refuse ". So Neanderthals no longer grace the blue green sphere we like to call earth, with a possible exception of middle America , where they drive gas guzzling trucks , have red necks , love their guns and Jack Daniels ..hate anyone not white..and are not really known for their love for pure mathematics.

So , like it or not,evolution happened. Gone are the days when you spent your day hanging upside down on your tail from your favorite tree , worrying about nothing , had a lot of friends at hand to scratch your back and pick your lice .Now we are a bunch of unhappy, machine dependent, concrete dwelling , and "honey ,i have a headache today " chanting ,considerably less hairy apes (exception alert : Anil Kapoor ), who spend their days running after deadlines , their imaginary tails between their legs and the best they can hope for from their friends is a few likes on their copied and pasted FB statuses. Only bright part is that there is considerably less lice..driven away from the once densely covered forests of your scalp, due to stress and pollution induced deforestation.

So was it worth it ?

Apologists of evolution would say yes. They say we are a much more intelligent life form now. They say we are better off ,as now we have Walmart ,Facebook and Heinz Tomato Ketchup . I would say that the jury is still out on that intelligent bit.Wikipedia defines intelligence as, the wisdom or the ability of an organism or entity to act with appropriate judgement. Going by this definition, a race which spends most of its scarce resources on killing each other ,poisoning their rivers and eating artery choking McDonald burgers ,simply cannot be accused of using appropriate judgement or being burdened with wisdom. So we are not better off and no sir, it was not worth it.

Now the big question..what can we do, to set right this historical or rather prehistorical wrong ??

Most of us, at the first instance, fatalists as we are, would say .. there's nothing much we can do about it. Some of us , or rather most of us , being mortally afraid of the Big Guy ,would not want to interfere with Divine entertainment .But my friends all is not lost. There is still hope.The revolution against evolution has quietly begun and has been going strong for some time now. Why do you think Gangnam Style became so popular? It was nothing but a tool to arouse the subconscious , hidden, pre-evolution ape instincts in us.Look around you, and you will see signs everywhere. Look at Afghanistan, where Taliban had been making slow but steady progress towards stone age, and i am happy to report that now with the help of our American friends, many of them residual Neanderthals mentioned above, the progress is not slow anymore.Copy the same for Iraq.

 The best thing about pre- evolution life was its sheer simplicity. This was made possible by the uncomplicated wiring of the brain. Evolution ruined it all, and the human brain became highly complex. This is being taken care of. Facebook, Whatsapp, Twilight Saga and Angry birds are just a few weapons in the battle against the polluting grey matter corrupting the simple banana loving ape brains. The revolutionaries are among us. They are unsung heroes who design new mind numbing apps for your phones.They are those who like your silly pouting pics on social media , encouraging you to spend more time there.They are the people who write pointlessly silly blogs like the one you are reading, to waste your time and brains.Its only a matter of time. Hang on my fellow apes. We will bring those golden days back.

So dear fellow slightly evolved monkeys , Preaching Monkey is signing off....and will be back ,no matter how hard you pray for him not to.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Happy Debate....

Greetings , my fellow apes.

We live in a world that is becoming increasingly complex. The problems that have plagued the human race since time immemorial war, disease, hunger...have not been solved and civilization is being threatened by  newer problems and threats like Facebook and Justin Bieber. We are not happy...not content..and nobody burps after lunch anymore.

Happiness ...that elusive mermaid...lost in the sea of life.. needs to be lured , caught and put in the personal fish tank of your mind. The world is full of preachers/teachers/trainers/motivators/postmen/bartenders who are willing to tell you how to do it.The world is full of attentive people who are willing to listen to these preacher/teachers/trainers/motivators/postmen/bartenders and to try and practice what they say. But is the world a happier place ???

No..the sad reality is that , despite a hell lot of people telling you how to be happy, and despite millions of people sharing those pics on FB that are supposed to make random little boys in Africa happy..the world is still a sorry dark sad place and you are, for the most part of your life, gloomy like a whale relocated to Sahara..(Sahara as in the Sahara desert, not one of those, on the margins of the town, townships built by M/s Subroto Roy and Sons,in which case the whale will not only be gloomy, but also under clinical depression )

The reason ,my friends, for the lack of general happiness is , as in most cases of Herpes, denial of the true nature of the problem,leading to wrong diagnosis and wrong treatment. Let me elaborate.

We work on ourselves on the basic premise that the big guy we call God ,intended us to be happy and wanted the world to a bright sunny Disney-ish place. We have got this gift of life and it should be celebrated. We believe god to be a beneficent Grandpa who is there to reward you for being good.We are conditioned to believe that being happy is the default setting of the human mind and the lack of joy indicates a software bug.Lets get together and make the world the beautiful place that God meant it to be. All crap.

Let us now face the naked reality..Life is a disease with a 100% mortality rate , God has a weird sense of humor which is indicated by the fact that, for fun, he routinely sends buses full of pilgrims down into ravines..and finally according to Murphy's 8th law..mother nature is a bitch. The reality is that you are screwed fact you have been screwed ever since you emerged all bloody and wet into this world and the first thing that happened to you was that your bums were slapped while you were hanging upside down. Let us first accept the big soup we are in .The truth is that the God's creations were not meant to be happy..well ,with the possible exceptions of penguins. Happiness is a scarce by-product of the Big Bang.Thus, we have identified the true nature of the problem. 

So happiness is NOT a normal state ,just like being drunk isn't. Its an aberration.You have to attain it, not due divine kindness, but despite it..period. Getting drunk takes an effort and so does attaining happiness.

Now that we have accepted the problem lets work on the treatment.

Be good. Live a model life , do not give in to temptations and always listen to your inner voice. Bullshit.

Look at any soap opera, those who are good ,cry in every episode and the vamps revel. Be yourself.
Most of us live our lives as if we are in an episode of Big Brother, trying to be model persons even when alone. Come on guyz..good chaps do not win realty shows anymore. Be what you are..selfish..bitchy..and jealous..and enjoy it. Give in to temptations, at least where there is little chance of being caught. Been there done that. And forget about the inner voice.Its probably gas .

Spread happiness around you. This will bring more happiness to you. Smiling faces and cheerful atmosphere that you create for others , will in fact, make you happier. Crap again.

Smiling faces ,after a few seconds are irritating . Many a husbands have found out to their peril that being cheerful when your wife is on PMS, does make someone happy..and that someone is the doctor who sews your wounds up. Happiness like energy or matter follows the Universal Law of Conservation. The sum total of happiness in the universe is constant. Happiness cannot be created or destroyed. So, stop trying to create happiness for others.In fact , as it cannot be created, any act of making others happy will diminish your own stock. So do it only for people you really really care about. And the easiest way to replenish your stock is to annoy people you don't like. So annoy and irritate people more often.Always say your thing..and the more annoying it is..the better. And refuse to grant the favor back by getting annoyed by their counter annoys them more.Be a predator in the happiness food chain.

And when you finally attain a respectable stock of happiness, your reactions should be subdued, you should not go overboard in your happiness. Happiness should be held close to heart and chewed slowly. Again trash.

Happiness, as i have preached above, follows the Universal Laws. It cant be created or destroyed. But the same law also says it can change form and state. So, just like matter can change from solid to gas, happiness if kept unutilized for long will turn into gas and escape. So if you have reasons to be happy..go berserk..shout from the cartwheels. Remember a bottle of good wine , if drunk ,makes a person very happy, but if kept for long ,it turns into vineger and makes onions happy. You are not an onion, you are a person.

So fellow apes, i hope you got the point. Good for you if this gave you an insight in the crooked nature of the Universe , God and hamburgers. And if this piece annoyed you, even better.

So long, keep swinging ....from the tree of life.

Preaching monkey will be back.