Monday, March 4, 2013

A case for a bombed out logic....

My fellow ,daily soap harassed , caffeine dependent primate brethren ...Greetings

The alien question is more or less settled. The Great Indian Soap opera assembly line has been active since the start of the millennium . Television transmissions , in form of radio waves travel at the speed of light. This means an area of  a radius of about 14 light years around the earth is sanitized and free from any kind of  intelligent life. We have created a very effective energy shield ....there will never be a Contact. For all practical purposes ..They are now not out there. Too bad

But there is a silver lining too. The human species has rediscovered a way to end all debates and mysteries.In fact it is a all new school of thought....a completely out of the box methodology of scientific enquiry ...
The Carpet Bomb method.

In the year 1969, the Vietnam war was at its best.Fighting on the ground actually looked like a scene straight out of Platoon or Apocalypse Now. Bang in the middle of all this excitement was Marine Gen. Jim "Bubba" McDollen.  a.k.a. "Kongbuster". Now the General's outfit was tasked with destroying a Vietcong base which also doubled as an ammo dump. The Vietcong, being Vietcong, had built this base on a hill, surrounded by half a dozen or so villages.The American High Command , considering the rabid anti war protests at home,issued a strict directive to the General ,to ensure that civilians around the base are not caught in the cross fire.In case that was not possible,the attack plans were to be dropped. Damn !!

The sissies at the Pentagon had under estimated the General.Our good ol' Bubba was a true blue Southerner from red necked as they can get. He solved the problem the true redneck fashion. Next day he arm twisted the USAF to send half a dozen B 52s , full of fuel-air Napalm bombs..and got the area around the base carpet bombed for two full days.He then sought permission to go ahead with the attack on the base. When asked about the civilians..Bubba replied ,with all the honesty and truthfulness at his command.., "there ai'nt no bloody civilians in the area." ... Period.... Problem solved.

Gen. McDonell  was rewarded by the USof A by giving him a ticket home,with two hefty marines as an escort. He spent many happy years in a wonderful Veterans psychiatric facility deep inside Fort Knoxx. He has since left to torment Jesus and his poor Father.

The Carpet Bomb Method is named so as a tearful tribute to this early pioneer.

What is fascinating about this is that almost all of the earth's mysteries , especially the ones which fall in the category of "does X exist or does X not exist ??" ,can be very easily solved using this method. Instead of delving into a complex über scientific definition of this method, we shall understand it with the aid of some more examples.

An apt example can be the famous case of the Loch Ness monster. For many centuries , the existence of this monster , supposed to be inhabiting the deep waters of the Loch Ness lake in the Scottish highlands , has been a matter of intense debate. The locals swear that the monster exists. The rest of the world doesn't really share their belief.( can't blame the world though, I mean , if your national pastime is whiskey guzzling and your men wear skirts...taking you seriously is a tough proposition .)

Despite many centuries of research ...using sonar...and satellite imaging..thermal photography..even sending court summons to the monster ..the question is still irritating us. So how to tell , conclusively whether it does..or doesn't exist ?

The answer is simple.

The Her Majesty's Armed Forces have to simply explode a small tactical nuclear device inside the lake....and then...voila' time someone asks if the monster exists..the world can answer with an emphatic resounding NO !!!

The Chinese government can do the world a favour by exploding a slightly bigger thermonuclear device in Tibet and settle the Yeti debate.

In fact many benevolent governments in South America ,fearing fresh and irritating questions like..whether purple coloured blue eyed puma exists in the vast Amazonian forests..or not.., have taken  preemptive initiative of destroying a few million hectares of jungles. God bless them . The world already has too much on its collective mind .

Lets move from macro to micro..and from scientific pursuits to our trivial daily lives. The Carpet Bomb Method has far reaching implications .

Does she or doesn't she ...can't say...this amorous dilemma has driven many a suitors into the comforting arms of insanity. Some methods based on speculative reasoning or law of averages are sequential plucking of rosé petals..or toss of a coin. But these methods, though of very ancient antiquity, are of  dubious reliability . A unequivocal and firm answer is never provided.

What a man , a citizen of a fast moving ...chronologically enslaved..stress plagued village called the World  needs, is a quick answer which smacks of finality..and not gibberish ..may be..lets see..ummm kinda response. If that final answer is a long as it was fast coming. Here is where The Carpet Bomb Method comes handy. Lets see how..

Walk up to the object of your desires..or if you like it that way..the source of your migraine. Insist on talking only in Swahili..a language none of you knows. Take her out for a roadside hawker selling triple fried stale fish tails. Spend the next one hour negotiating the rate per piece with the hawker, finally cutting a deal of getting exclusive rights to all leftovers . Proudly announce this historic accord to your lady ..and offer to pay 49% of the bill..leaving the major share for her in true deference to women's lib. Somewhere around this moment..your lady will deliver a palm impression on your face ..followed by a World Cup winning kick on a tender and a rather crucial part of your anatomy. This can safely be taken as a firm No.

 Problem solved. No more swinging between the horns of dilemma .

Thus ,The Carpet Bomb method has all the trappings of a great scientific applied theory. It can be explained easily by using real world examples and can be applied to everyday problems of existence.

It will find its place in the Hall of Fame right besides the Multiple world theory and the String Theory.

The Preaching Monkey implores you to apply this wonderful by product of the alien debate to ease your lives and to free yourself from the stress of suspense ....

The Preaching Monkey is signing off for think of something more unhinged and annoying...


  1. Shades of Goebbels or allegedly Goebbels - there seems to be some confusion created on wether he said any thing about lies being taken as truth if repeated ad nausium..

  2. “If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it. The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension, the truth is the greatest enemy of the State.”......

  3. I was not exactly looking for the exact quote, just the general drift. The Carpet Bombing theory is more or less the same. The Ekta Kapoor Saas Bahu serials are a case in point. She could make a sequel to Karoro.n Kash Kaise Kamau.n without making the original and start a new trend in the daily soap industry.

  4. The Preaching Monkey ,though immensely proud of his copy and paste skills ,does confess to an attempt to show off...

    ..and regarding Ms Ekta Kapoor, since childhood...she was perturbed by little voices in her head,which kept on asking.."Are there intelligent TV audience out there...?' ...

    she grew up to be a determined and an angry young woman..who tackled the troubling question by using the Carpet Bomb running a dozen zombifying soaps on n number of channels...24*7..

    The we all now irrelevant....

    And she , being the uncrowned queen of the army of saas bahu loving zombies..can produce any number of sequels...even run the last saeson again..the zombies will still watch it..twice a day..and not find anything amiss..